Etiquette and customs in China

Receive everything with both hands, do not raise your voice, do not stick your chopsticks upright in the rice. That is almost all you need to know — Chinese people do not expect perfection from someone from outside, but they do notice a lack of care.

Greetings and address

Handshakes are light and brief, without pressure. Physical contact between strangers is minimal: no hugs, back-slapping or kisses. When introducing someone, start with the oldest person or the one of highest position.

Hierarchy and age count. You enter after your elders, the guest or the oldest person at the table is served first, and you give up your seat on public transport almost whenever someone older gets on. Following these rules costs nothing and is noticed. Declining the seat offered, with a nod and a thank you, is acceptable; insisting you will not take it, with a smile, also works.

Business cards are given and received with both hands, with the text facing the recipient. Keep them in a card case, not in your back pocket.

At the table

The golden rule is to wait for the host to indicate where you sit. Then:

• Do not stick your chopsticks upright in the bowl of rice: it evokes funeral incense. Rest them on the holder or across the plate.
• Do not point with your chopsticks or use them to push food around.
• Try everything that is served, including dishes that look strange to you. Refusing from the outset is frowned upon.
• Always leave a little on the serving dish; clearing the platter means there was not enough food.
• Serve others before yourself, especially those further away on the lazy Susan.
• Hot water accompanies the meal, not iced. It is a health conviction rooted in Chinese medicine.

Tea has its own ritual: when someone serves you, tap two fingers on the table as thanks — it is the discreet and correct way to say thank you without interrupting. Serve yourself too when the pot is on the table: waiting all afternoon for someone else to do it forces someone to stand up for every cup.

At business meals and social gatherings, the host pays. Arguing over the bill at the restaurant door is a local custom and should not be taken badly.

Temples and sacred places

Inside Buddhist temples, Taoist temples and Tibetan monasteries:

• Speak quietly, do not run, do not eat.
• Walk clockwise around objects of worship and stupas — it is the direction of Tibetan pilgrimage.
• Do not touch statues or lean on altars.
• Ask before photographing monks and pilgrims. In Tibetan monasteries some rooms prohibit it entirely, and this is signposted.
• In mosques, women cover their hair; during prayer you do not enter the worship halls.

Everyday civility

Queuing. Queues form and, in general, are respected better than one expected ten years ago. At rush hour on the metro, people board with determination but without aggression.

Voice. Speaking loudly in public, especially on the phone on the metro or in a restaurant, is frowned upon. Laughing loudly at a table of friends is perfectly normal.

Space and touch. Do not touch the head or shoulders of strangers; beckon someone with the hand turned downwards, never with a pointed index finger.

Gifts. If you are invited into a family home — it happens on our visits to Hani and Bai villages — bring fruit, tea or something from your home region. Hand it over with both hands and do not expect it to be opened in front of you. When in Rome: if you pour a glass of wine from back home at a dinner in China, you will want to keep it going to the end.

The loss-of-face reflex. Never correct someone in public or raise your voice at an employee who has made a mistake. Set out the problem calmly and impersonally; that resolves almost everything.

In family homes and villages

Some of our itineraries include meals in private homes, in Hani, Bai and Naxi villages. In those situations four rules cover the essentials: take your shoes off at the entrance when there is a mat or a step, accept the tea and the first dish even if you do not feel like it, do not refuse a second helping with a flat no (say “that’s enough”, with your hand over the bowl) and praise the food specifically, not generically.

It is also customary to leave a small amount of money or a gift for the children of the house when the guide suggests it. You do not offer money directly to adults: it is handed to the head of the household, discreetly.

Six situations where visitors get it wrong without meaning to

There are mistakes that do not offend but that repeat themselves, and they are worth avoiding from the outset:

• Arriving exactly on time for a private invitation. Fifteen minutes late is normal and welcome; arriving to the minute catches the house still getting ready.
• Praising an object and expecting to be given it. In China a compliment obliges nobody, and the expectation creates awkwardness.
• Commenting on prices in front of whoever served you. Asking what a gift or a meal cost is tactless, even among friends.
• Taking photographs during a meal in a family home. Ask; in general they say yes, but only once all the food is on the table.
• Tipping cash in restaurants. It is frequently refused and creates an uncomfortable moment at the door.
• Talking about Tibet, Taiwan or politics with strangers at the table. There is no danger in it, but it closes down a conversation that was going well.

None of this has serious consequences. But anyone travelling with these six things in mind comes back with conversations others cannot have.

What our guides do

At every meal we arrange in local homes, the guide explains beforehand what will happen: who sits where, when the glass is raised, what is said. And if there is a mistake — and there will be — it is resolved with humour, which in China is the best currency for someone from outside.

There is one more custom worth knowing, because it surprises people: insisting on paying is not theatre. When someone offers to pay the bill or the taxi, you are expected to insist twice and then yield, letting them. Accepting at the first offer, without resistance, reads as poor manners. Let them, say thank you, and return it next time.

Finally, on photography in temples and markets: ask, show the screen, and accept a no. In minority villages some people ask a small sum for posing; that is legitimate and is agreed beforehand.